Good afternoon to the great students, faculty, and community of Blue Check University. This is your President here, honored to present some news to the Blue Check U Community. After careful evaluations and consideration, we have added 10 NEW Instructors to our already-talented bunch! We will briefly introduce each of them below, but you will hear MUCH MORE from them in an upcoming post! Let’s get right to it then. We will run through each member 1-10, in no particular order, with the name of the Program they will be teaching in the parenthesis beside.
1. Pete Buttigieg (CIA Apprenticeship + FedBoi Studies)
Our first new employee is a fellow who may be perhaps the most well-spoken of the bunch: Pete Buttigieg. Being a homosexual, fighting in Afghanistan, working with the CIA while in Afghanistan, leading a declining city, and many other experiences, led us to believe that Pete would be an AMAZING ASSET in the CIA Apprenticeship Department! Not only that, but Mr. Buttigieg is going to concurrently teach the ‘FedBoi Studies’ course. With the SURGE in demand from Israel, the FBI, CIA, NSA, and other agencies, Blue Check University ensured its students that ONLY THE VERY BEST would lead such a program.
2. Mitt Romney (Political Science: McCainist Studies)
While we have several schools of Political Science here at BCU, along with several majors contained within each, there is ALWAYS room for more political nuances and division in a given society. John McCain embodied this idea more than any other Republican in recent memory……..earning him a dedication to our NEWEST Political Science Program: McCainist Studies!!
3. David Leavitt (Personal Finance)
The man, the myth, and the legend: David Leavitt. To those who are unaware of his actual identity, David gained his claim to ‘mainstream fame’ after a small incident at a local Target. We actually cover the dilemma in great detail in another post, but suffice to say, we had our eye on David ever since. No one better than David to lead our PERSONAL FINANCE FOR GROWN MANCHILDREN! We can’t wait.
4. David Hogg (Transitional Anatomy)
Our YOUNGEST new employee, David “Brave” Hogg has experiences in life that are matched by few. Having been a student at Stoneman Douglas High, Brave Hogg was somewhere close to being close to the location of a mass shooting. This gives David the FOREMOST authority on gun legislation; among other things. Unfortunately for Brave Hogg, our ‘Gun Safety’ Programs were being operated by the BEST in the business, in Eric Swalwell and Shannon “Watts” Troughton. Fortunately for Brave Hogg, he volunteered to teach the TRANSITIONAL ANATOMY Class, which, of course, requires an instructor who is CURRENTLY UNDERGOING a gender transition. Talk about perfect timing….
5. Michael Bloomberg (Oligarchical Studies)
The Former Mayor of New York, businessman, and media executive, is THRILLED to be an instructor for our “Oligarchical Studies” Program. And like a moth to a flame, Michael was recently able to pull those “Oligarch Strings” once again, by getting the DNC to remove its individual donor requirement to appear in a debate! Michael is only on in an “adjunct role”, as he will be leaving us in January of 2021 to assume the United States Presidency!!
6. Luke O’Brien (Sodomy Studies)
Luke O’Brien wears many hats in his life. A Huffington Post Journalist by trade, Luke actively participates in doxing operations under the guise of his many “alts”. As you can see by his Staff Portrait, we are more interested in his OTHER skills; namely the “Sodomy by Hockey Coach” that he suggested as a cause for someone trolling. (S/O to @Spiccleberg for the screenshots…..LMAO)
7. Riley Roberts (Communications)
Riley Roberts, the boyfriend of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, originally applied to be an instructor in our “Heterosexual Studies” Program. Considering the fact that we are in the process of hiring MUCH more experienced names for this program (Paul Joseph Watson, Michael Malice, Scott Presler, to name a few), Riley’s recent performance regarding the subject of ‘fellow white male’ racism, led us to the conclusion that he was a better fit elsewhere: our Communications Department.
8. Jonathan Greenblatt (Bureaucratic Weaponization)
Some groups play “victim”. Others are able to use the government as protection while playing “victim”. Jonathan Greenblatt and the Anti-Defamation League (ADL) play “victim” while actively attempting to sabotage the lives of ‘white supremacists’……using the tax dollars they themselves contributed!! “Bureaucratic Weaponization” is a field on the RISE, and who better to lead us than the head of the ADL??
9. Tom Perez (Caucus Management)
There’s such a thing as ‘fixing’ a caucus. Then, there’s Tom Perez, who masterfully disguised the ‘fix’ as genuine technological errors. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz and Donna Brazile can learn a thing or two from Tom……..as will our students, who will be a part of Tom’s Caucus Management Program!
10. Paul Krugman (Cybersecurity + Economics)
Our LAST new employee is certainly not the least. One of the FEW staff members who have a NOBEL PEACE PRIZE, Paul Krugman will be a valued addition to our Economics Program. Not only this, but Paul will PRIMARILY be spending his time in a field where he has only recently made his stake to fame: Cybersecurity!
Well, that’s about it for our new employees! Be sure to comment below with your personal favorite ‘hire’! We are also opening an ‘Application Submission’ for future openings at Blue Check University. If you see any member of Blue Checkmark Twitter who displays wisdom that is seemingly unparalleled, PLEASE be sure to send their details our way!!